Airport chronicles: no phone or money

What my friends had to receive sporadically when I had no money or phone in a foreign airport for 24 hours.

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1st update:

Hour 5 in the airport and I am just as bored as ever.

I spent just under the first hour or so looking at the only two gift shops I have access to prior to security, consequentially buying nothing because the prices there were simply daylight robbery. No thank you, Jose.

After moaning to myself about the price, I became incredibly sober at the fact that I was absolutely desperate for a shit. The beeriod hadn't come today yet and she was brewing in there with the force of a thousand tornadoes. Off I popped to the loo.

I then hiked up my bag and pulled up my bootstraps to explore more of the airport-- I was RAVENOUS. Turns out, there was a whole food hall I had no idea about, and I was this close to buying myself a Maccies when I see a whole other building connected to the airport via a bridge. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a Starbucks logo on the building. Yes, please.

I sauntered over the bridge, or as I liked to think I did because, in reality, I am hauling a 14kg backpack on my back, an incredibly overfilled dickies bag that makes me look like I am pregnant with twins and carrying a suitcase which REFUSES to stand up straight and falls over instantly every time I let go of it, much like me in year 7 when someone tried to tickle me.

Anyway, I arrived at Starbucks after a disastrous and taxing journey and ordered myself a Vanilla Cream Frappuccino (grande) and sat down. I was absolutely over the moon when the seating area in Starbucks had chargers in them. I won't lie, I was slightly nervous about the lack of any charging port anywhere in this airport and thought that my foray into off-the-grid living would be more intense than I first thought. Nevertheless, I plopped my luggage down and got out the charging cable tucked away in Malika's case.

Imminently, I began my next mission: the acquisition of Wi-Fi. No way was I going to go for the cheap 30-minute option, I'm here for the long haul and promptly bought 4 hours of super-speed wifi for 45,000 COP. Not bad.

I was still logged into Instagram so had a little catch up on my friends' lives, texted my mother, and then began on my next quest: my Spanish PLF, my Check Mig, and another attempt at buying additional luggage for my next flight.

The Spanish PLF was easy, for the sole reason that between the time I arrived in Madrid on my journey out and now, Spain had changed the rules! My printed and creased copy of my NHS jabs would be enough! Next was the Check Mig which began to anger me greatly as I filled out the form perhaps 10 times and it never would load. To avoid driving myself insane, I left that can of worms for another hour and swiftly checked my AirEurope website. To my utter surprise and relief, I could in fact now pay for the luggage online (God bless laptops!) and I got on that like I got on Tom's penis in el Rio. Slightly more expensive than I would have liked, but luckily, my card works online so I am now a hundred pounds poorer, but a million times happier. Riding off my wave of good luck, I went ahead and treated myself to an aisle seat. Sure, it was 150,000 COP, but compared to the half a million I dropped on the hold luggage, it seemed merely like a tip rather than a splurge. Thank the Lord I could do it online because I would have had an actual nightmare if I had to cough up a lump of 500,000 in change that I absolutely did not have.

I lazed around for a bit, reminisced on the amazing trip I had just shared with you (thanks, iCloud) and tried the Check Mig once more. No dice, so I left it for now and decided to take another adventure-- however unappealing the thought of carrying these bags back to the main area of the airport was.

It was raining on the bridge, absolutely gorgeous. And, despite my previous intentions, I had a quick ciggie break. Just what I needed.

Now I didn't need cash to pay for the luggage, I decided to meander to the shops de extorsione. Under the assumption that I was practically Elon Musk, I picked up absolutely everything I could possibly want: a shitty tourism T-shirt for me, a shot glass for Ed, Maja, Isis, Rozzi and George, and a gorgeously decorated ornament thing. Alas, my sub-par Spanish led to a very awkward interaction when the woman told me I owed 400,000 (?!) and I handed her a measly 250,000. After some embarrassing fumbling and many different combinations of the items to see what I could afford, I chose to spend the money on the horse head (which turned out to be 210,000). I left to sit down after that series of mental gymnastics and instantly regretted my purchase. Why on God's green Earth would I spend my remaining money on a man who called me belligerent and would absolutely not do the same for me, as opposed to a nice present for myself and my friends?!

After some umming and arring as to whether I could physically and mentally bring myself to go back to the shop and have another encounter with the woman, I decided that I was a big girl and would regret not doing it. So, I whipped out google translate and with a quasi-sense of confidence, I trundled back to that little shop of horror.

Alas, it seemed as if my fate was sealed, as when I asked if we could make an intercambio she looked sombre and shook her head (much like the women in that clothes shop when we came in and asked if they had seen a phone). However, after some pleading and the help from a very sympathetic Colombian man acting as a translator, I got my wish. I left the shop, orange T-shirt in hand, shot glasses in tow and an extra two XL T-shirts to give to whoever wanted them. Turns out I stumbled on a little 3 for 2 deal on the shirts. I did have to hand over 25,000 of my last 40,000 pesos but fuck it, it's Christmas.

I stumbled back to Starbucks (after another short break because, to be honest, I was absolutely shattered after that) to re-charge the laptop to a full percentage for my upcoming 20 hours of flying and bought myself a cappuccino with my last 15,000 COP. I have just finished it and I will tell you, it was absolutely a worthy purchase. Of course, this means I cannot get myself lunch or dinner for my eight pm flight which I just realised three seconds ago as I typed this. Whatever, I have made my bed and I shall lie in it. Besides, I did get a chicken, tomato and pesto panini earlier at Starbucks so hopefully, that should keep me full. Cross your fingers that this flight serves food!

I hope you had a magnificent flight and that you had everything you needed after that horror that seemed like the check-in desk. Furthermore, I hope this night-bus adventure is significantly more successful than the last night bus and you catch up on the pitiful amount of hours of sleep we had last night-- crazy kittens!

Have the best time in Peru, although I doubt that this will be the last update email you receive from me. Of course, there are another 5 hours to go before my flight (hopefully) flies off the beautiful Colombian tarmac and I cannot rely on a shopping addiction or coffee to keep my boredom satiated.

Lots of love,

Lendwag x

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2nd update:

We are fast approaching hour eight of just wandering around the airport mindlessly. I have added Freya to this message because the more the merrier, and she is the only email I have saved on my Yahoo already.

Imminently after I composed my previous correspondence, I hurried to the toilet. I had been putting it off as I knew that as soon as I left my seat, and threw away my empty cappuccino cup, my charger privileges would be over. I ran at the speed that any 55kg girl with minimal body strength carrying over 30kgs on her body could and as soon as I entered the closest available metal door, with far too much space at the bottom, I scrambled to remove the cumbersome artefacts off my body.

Beeriod part two came with more force than the first, which was a surprise as I really thought I would just pee. Nevertheless, it was good to get it out. However, perhaps quite inconvenient for my money issues as I was just left empty and hungry (my stomach is rumbling now at a thousand miles per hour and I am considering using nicotine gum to curb my insatiable appetite).

Anyway, I treated myself to another blem on the terrace of which the rain had ceased to disturb. Without any shame, I plonked myself down bum first onto my backpack, with the more conventional smokers towering over me and murmuring in Spanish. I miss having friends to murmur to.

Ciggie finished, I headed back to the main terminal where I sat on the floor, bought another 4 hours of wifi and proceeded to play Buzzfeed quizzes for an hour until I felt myself nodding off-- I definitely fell asleep for a few seconds. But, I pulled myself together and untied my hair from the bun I had put it in earlier post-shower. That was probably a mistake because the still-damp strands had mutated and formed the largest dreadlocks I had ever seen. Quickly, I pulled my hairbrush out of my bag (with difficulty, as the random items that could not fit in either Malika's or I's bags had shifted tremendously and the contents were in a wild state of disarray). The hair brushing process took a decent amount of time but what was really surprising was the amount of hair that left my scalp. Honestly, bun the bin I could have donated the whole amount to that charity that makes wigs for bald people, it was absurd.

Bored of my current position, I looked around for something to fill my time. Alas, the airport was almost identical to how it had been for the past 6 hours barring the sun creeping through the large glass windows. Fuck it, I would have another blem in the sun, I thought. And, another blem in the sun is what I did. I downed my water because I was incredibly thirsty which proceeded to make my body call for another toilet break. On my way, I walked past the Air Europa check-in point. By Jove, it was finally open! With a spring in my step from the excitement of being able to immerse myself in another part of the airport, which I have now begun to call 'Home', I hurried to the toilets.

Check-in was what the Spanish would call, "muy facile". Scarred by my previous check-in experience in Madrid where I all but cried to the woman at the desk, I was worried. Especially about this whole baggage situation-- what if I had done something wrong? However, as legends always do, I pulled through and by luck got the only person on the desk that spoke English! The two bags were both accepted, a boarding pass was printed and my seat number had changed from 22J to 22H. No asking a random sleeping stranger to use the toilet for me!

Swiftly I made my way through security where things almost went off without a hitch. I used the opportunity of the queue to remove my liquids bag and Malika's laptop and was personally impressed by how much quicker I was than the Colombians. Nevertheless, as I suspected, the triple-wrapped metal piggy bank did cause a bit of concern with the woman and I was called up to open my bag to the world. Utilising my impeccable Spanish, I responded to her asking what the fuck was in there with, "un cerdo para el dinero". She didn't understand but quickly appreciated my description of it when she finally opened the package-- she said it was cute, I think.

Security sorted, I went to explore this whole new world that had been opened up to me. Unfortunately, duty-free was impossible to walk and ignore as you had to enter the gates through it, but I tried to keep my head down, lest I see something I loved but couldn't buy with the 2 COP I have left to my name.

As my load is much lighter now, I will go on an adventure to find a charging port as you can never be too prudent, and, after some intense Googling, I have established that I will at least get one meal on this flight. Thank God.

Hope all of you are doing brilliantly, whether in Peru or Inglaterra.

Best Wishes,

Len Goodman xx

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3rd Update:

Well well well, it has almost been 20 hours of travelling. The flight was fine. Nothing special, except the woman next to me kept trying to make conversation, even though it was imminently obvious that we had no common language. We spoke in brief and flustered hand signals.

Straight away, I got to the movies-- I will say, they had the selection of Gods, I was instantly hooked. These are the reviews of the movies I watched:

In the Heights: 4/10

• To be honest, I wanted to watch this for a long time purely because of the ‘hype’ it has. It was immensely disappointing, however. The storyline was half decent but the romance was undeveloped and the only redeeming quality was the culture because we don’t have many musicals like it. Songs were ehh, casting was ehh, and I got thoroughly bored throughout and skipped through sporadically until I found a single song that made me slightly excited. It was boring with catchy snippets of long and boring songs.

Dangerous Liaisons: 9/10

• Not too sure what I was expecting to be honest but this exceeded all of them. The individual character development was fascinating, especially toward the end where what I thought would happen (cliches vibes) absolutely did not. Interesting perspectives on age, gender, manipulation, love, attraction, purity, sex, pain etc etc. Cannot believe I hadn’t watched it before I love movies that seem to encapsulate the turbulence and emotion behind desire and relationships so well. What I will say though is watching this on your own, in a public aeroplane is simply not the one if you know what I mean (I became very horny). Did not once get bored throughout was constantly. Somehow reminds me a lot of Edith Wharton’s writing mixed with the writing of the guy who wrote 'in Love', whom I cannot quite remember the name of as of right now.

Inherent Vice:

• After the success of Dangerous Liaisons, I wanted something different. Alas, I didn’t get it because I fell straight asleep. It had a good first scene though.

They did serve food but honestly, it was terrible. The smallest portion of spinach and cheese ravioli with basically a thimble-sized serving of rice pudding and a cold bun. The pasta was also served with no sauce, but three olives and two massive tomatoes on it. Obviously, not ideal para mi. My sleep was awful and plagued with the intolerable itching from my mosquito bites. When I arrived in Madrid airport, my hunger and thirst became more apparent than ever. The thirst, I think, was worse I felt my organs shrivel up. As a last resort, I stumbled, parched and scared, into Starbucks and picked up a green juice to buy. I knew my card wouldn't work but I needed to try. Alas, It worked! I felt relief unlike any other I have felt before; I was over the moon. Green juice in hand, I skipped over to duty-free where I would now put my funds to use. 5 packs of Golden Virginia: don't mind if I do. New pen: I'll have some of that, please. Burger king meal deal for 10 euros: come at me, bitch: the world is my oyster. My gate's just been called, love you ladies but am going slightly stir crazy without anyone, in person or online to have a conversation with. And, everyone speaks Spanish-- I fear I will forget how to speak English altogether before I arrive back in the UK due to lack of practice. Hasta luego, Lenny Kravitz